When Someone Makes You Feel a Certain Way: Recognizing Emotional Coercion and Taking Back Control

You've probably heard the word "gaslighting" used constantly these days. Someone disagrees with you — gaslighting. Someone forgets what they said — gaslighting. A conflict ends badly — gaslighting.

The word has become so overused that it's lost much of its meaning. And more troublingly, it's often used to end conversations rather than open them — a way to assign blame, hand all responsibility to the other person, and step out of the dynamic entirely.

But the real experience underneath that word is more nuanced. And more importantly, you have more power in it than you might think.

What we're really talking about is emotional coercion: patterns of interaction that gradually erode your trust in your own feelings, perceptions, and judgment. Recognizing this is not about labeling another person. It's about understanding what is happening inside you — so you can decide what to do with it.

It Doesn't Always Look Like Abuse

One of the most important things to understand about emotional coercion is that it rarely arrives in one dramatic moment. More often, it comes in what I think of as paper cuts — small, individual moments that seem minor on their own, but accumulate over time until you can't quite remember who you were before them.

A dismissive comment here. An eye roll there. Being told you're "too sensitive" or "overreacting." Feeling like your emotions are always inconvenient, always wrong, always too much. None of these moments alone would bring you to your knees. But over months or years, they can quietly hollow out your confidence and leave you uncertain about the most basic things — including your own feelings.

And it doesn't only happen in romantic relationships. It can happen with a friend, a coworker, a sibling — or a parent.

What About Parents Who Weren't There Emotionally?

Not all emotional coercion is intentional. Some of the most lasting wounds come from parents who were simply not equipped to meet their children's emotional needs.

A parent who worked constantly and was rarely present. A parent who shut down when feelings got big, or who responded to emotion with frustration, silence, or dismissal. A parent who loved deeply but never learned how to say it, sit with discomfort, or validate a child's inner world.

These parents were not necessarily cruel. They may have been doing their absolute best. But the child who grew up in that environment still learned a powerful lesson: my emotions are not welcome here. My needs are too much. I have to manage this alone.

That lesson doesn't disappear when you become an adult. It shows up in your relationships, in how you handle conflict, in whether you feel entitled to ask for what you need — and in how easily someone else can make you feel like your inner experience is wrong.

Signs the Dynamic Is Affecting You

Whether it came from a partner, a parent, a friend, or years of small accumulated moments, emotional coercion tends to leave similar footprints. You may recognize some of these:

• You walk away from conversations feeling confused, even when you were clear going in.
• You apologize constantly — sometimes without knowing what you did wrong.
• You edit what you say, or leave things out, to avoid a reaction.
• You feel responsible for managing other people's emotional states.
• You doubt your own memory of events, even when you were certain.
• You've stopped trusting your gut, your instincts, your feelings.
• You feel like you're always walking on eggshells.

If several of these resonate, that is important information — not a verdict about another person, but a signal about what your own nervous system has learned to do to stay safe.

Taking Back Control Starts With You

Here is the most important thing: you cannot control what another person does. But you always have access to your own responses, your own perceptions, and your own choices. Reclaiming those is where real change lives.

Some concrete places to start:

• Notice the feeling before you analyze it. When you leave an interaction feeling small or confused, pause. Don't immediately ask who is to blame. Just notice: this is what happened inside me. That noticing is the beginning of everything.
• Keep your own record. A brief journal — even just a few sentences after a hard conversation — helps you hold onto your own account of events before it gets overwritten.
• Slow down your apologies. Ask yourself: did I actually do something I believe was wrong? Or am I apologizing to restore peace and avoid the discomfort of conflict?
• Get a reality check from someone you trust. A close friend, family member, or therapist can help you see patterns that are hard to recognize from inside them.
• Remember that you always have a choice in how you respond. Even when you feel emotionally hijacked, there is a part of you that can step back, breathe, and decide.

A Note on Your Own Role

Honest self-awareness is part of reclaiming control too. In most relationship dynamics — even difficult ones — both people are participating in the pattern in some way. That's not about assigning blame. It's about recognizing that understanding your own contribution gives you the most leverage to change things.

That kind of honest, compassionate self-reflection — done in a safe space — is exactly what therapy is for. As a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) specializing in trauma, I work with clients who are learning to trust themselves again — and to build relationships that feel safe to be honest in.

This blog post is for educational purposes and does not constitute therapy or a therapeutic relationship. If you are experiencing thoughts of self-harm or suicide, please reach out for support. You can call or text 988 (Suicide & Crisis Lifeline) at any time.